Fail

Dear Jane Doe,

Thank you for your application for the Patient Account Representative position in the department of UMH Brighton Health Center, job
opening ID 54537. This position was posted 01/04/2011 through 01/11/2011. The department has completed
their activity on this position, and it has been canceled.

You are encouraged to continue your career search by using the University's
automated employment system at http://www.umjobs.org. If you have questions
about this email or your application(s) for positions, please call the HR/Payroll
Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Sincerely,

The University of Michigan

Please do not reply to this automated email. Direct responses and inquiries
to the HR/Payroll Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Fail

Dear Jane Doe,

 

Thank you for your application for the Patient Services Associate position in the department of UMH Spine Program Prof, job
opening ID 54645. This position was posted 01/10/2011 through 01/17/2011. The department has completed
their activity on this position, and it has been filled/closed.

You are encouraged to continue your career search by using the University's
automated employment system at http://www.umjobs.org/. If you have questions
about this email or your application(s) for positions, please call the HR/Payroll
Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Sincerely,

The University of Michigan

Please do not reply to this automated email. Direct responses and inquiries
to the HR/Payroll Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Fail

Dear Jane Doe,

Thank you for your application for the Patient Services Associate position in the department of UMH CC Bus Svc Team, job
opening ID 54665. This position was posted 01/10/2011 through 01/17/2011. The department has completed
their activity on this position, and it has been filled/closed.

You are encouraged to continue your career search by using the University's
automated employment system at http://www.umjobs.org. If you have questions
about this email or your application(s) for positions, please call the HR/Payroll
Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Sincerely,

The University of Michigan

Please do not reply to this automated email. Direct responses and inquiries
to the HR/Payroll Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Fail

Dear Jane Doe,

Thank you for your application for the Promotions Coordinator position in the department of University Press, job
opening ID 51829. This position was posted 01/04/2011 through 01/18/2011. The department has completed
their activity on this position, and it has been filled/closed.

You are encouraged to continue your career search by using the University's
automated employment system at http://www.umjobs.org. If you have questions
about this email or your application(s) for positions, please call the HR/Payroll
Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Sincerely,

The University of Michigan

Please do not reply to this automated email. Direct responses and inquiries
to the HR/Payroll Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Nigeria Spam Fail

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Hello,

                 Can you work as a mail dispatcher?  I own a small shipping business and I tend to operate a high  cost of operation and I want to cut down my expenses by  employing someone in each state of USA apart from Virginia where I am,someone who will be getting mails in bulk and open the  bulk mail and dispatch them in units to there final  destinations in there respective states, for example, the  cost of sending each mail is $10.00 by UPS and we want to  send out 100 mails, that would be $1000.00 which is too costly but we have a solution whereby, we ship the whole 100 mails in one package at the rate of $200.00 to you in your state and  when you get it, you will open it and send the mail individually through USPS which will be $5.00 to $6.00 each and  you can see that we will have a saving, $800 for bulk shipping plus $6 times 100 making $500.00 or $600.00, you can see we have saved $8,000, so please I need  you to work for me on a part-time basis, and you will be paid $400.00 every week.

You will be provided with funds to  pay freight forwarder, you will be provided with funds to pay for USPS to dispatch the mails upfront, you will be provided with up to $3,400.00 to $4,000.00 as a running fund for  dispatching the mails, sometimes, it may be packages of goods that you will be receiving and sometimes you may be required to pay for shipping and freight fees out of the funds we provide to you to pay another freight forwarder when we need the service of another freight forwarder, the items you will be re-mailing or shipping will include letters,office materials and office equipments, home theater, electronics and some other general consumer goods, I want to assure you that you will never use  your own money for any expenses and you are not require to buy anything to begin the job,the job will only take 4 to 5 hours of your time in a week and you can work  whatever hours you want, the name of my Business is Clover Shipping Enterprises  and I am located in Virginia, the job is very simple once you have an address where you can accept mails and packages, and also have the time to re-mail the mails and packages through USPS sometime through some other freight forwarders, the mails and packages will  contain gift cards,letters, office materials and office equipments, home theater, electronics and some other general consumer goods, you don't need any much space, they are packages you can put in your room, or in your garage. You will have to present an ID either driver's license or any other personal ID, all I wanted to ensure is that you have an ID to show to the delivery man when packages will be delivered to you and you have to show some sense of sincerity as you will be entrusted with clients mails, packages and funds to utilize for re-mailing expenses, please do let me know when you are ready to start and let me know if you have all the requirements needed for the job, you need to provide your information as well in order to  proceed further.
           *RESUME INFORMATION  NEEDED*



      Full Names:
      Full Address: (P.O. BOX NOT ACCEPTED)
      City:
      State:
      Zip Code:
      Cell Number:
      Present Job:
      Age :

Reason for taking up this job, and please note,  you must be above 18 years of age to be eligible for this  job.

    You are going to be employed as Associate Logistic  Personnel and your employment is based on a 1099 status, your first salary $400.00 salary will be paid by check and the re-mailing funds will be provided constantly which will never finish in order to avoid you spending your own money so when the re-mailing funds are low additional  re-mailing funds will be provided, and you are not require to buy anything to begin the job, it is a straight forward job opportunity.

Please do let me know how we should proceed and you can get start immediately and ensure you send your response to  http://www.blogger.com/mc/compose?to=james_rowland74@yahoo.com
Our Company Federal Tax ID is 13-3263515
Clover Shipping Enterprises15250 Woodcrest dr
Orange, Virginia 22960
U.S.A.
Telephone: 540-908-3540
Email: james_rowland74@yahoo.com

---

Spam Fail

Hello.

Thank you for reply.
We are receiving a lot of messages at this time and cannot respond in timely manner. However, you can view list of our vacancies at this link http://brazhnikovoxesuw.blogspot.com/


> From:jane doe> Date:1/12/2011 2:23:39 PM
> Subject:Re: Quickbooks
>
> I have attached my resume as requested.  Thank you.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Jane Doe> --- Original Message ---
>
> From: Hailey Mosher <http://www.blogger.com/mc/compose?to=celiahopkins414@yahoo.com>
> Sent: January 11, 2011 1/11/11
> To: http://www.blogger.com/mc/compose?to=res-a6m7w-2152833589@craigslist.org
> Subject: Re: Quickbooks data entry/ AR
>
> ** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
> ** Avoid:  wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
> ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
> ** More Info: 
>
> Hello,
>
> Can you send your resume in doc format
>

Return Call Fail!

I guess you really don't need help or you would have called back. Thanks!

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid:  wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info:  http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html



I need help with QuickBooks and book keeping.


Please call me at 313 xxx xxxx for details.

x

Sent from my iPad

Anything??? Oh no, Fail.

Dear Jane Doe:

Thank you for your application for the Research Laboratory Tech Assoc position in the department of Life Sciences Institute-Admin, job
opening ID 54574. This position was posted 01/05/2011 through 01/12/2011. The department has completed
their activity on this position, and it has been filled/closed.

You are encouraged to continue your career search by using the University's
automated employment system at http://www.umjobs.org/. If you have questions
about this email or your application(s) for positions, please call the HR/Payroll
Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Sincerely,

The University of Michigan

Please do not reply to this automated email. Direct responses and inquiries
to the HR/Payroll Service Center at 734/615-2000.

Spam Fail

Hi Jane Doe,
Thank you for your interest in the position we have open. In order to be considered, candidates must meet the following criteria:

- Provide last 18 months work history
- Include two references
- Be willing to complete a standard 2 week training period
- Complete an IQ test, which is located here: http://iqtestiq.com/aHkEQfC3q1R/.

The test takes approximately 10 minutes to complete. Be sure to include your phone number after you complete the test in order to track your score and for contact purposes. Applicants scoring within a specified range will be contacted by telephone to schedule an interview within 24 hours of completion by one of our managers. Test information is strictly prohibited from being shared with any second parties. It is important to us that your information is kept confidential and exempt from disclosure.
Note: Applicants who do not complete the test will not be considered for the position due to the high volume of inquiries we receive.

Thank you again for your interest.

Sincerely,
Jolynn

.-_-_,..,__=--.-_-._._=_.,__,-___=,==
..-..,,-._--,..,.._,=-__,_.__=._=.=,=
,.,---_--_,=..._=-,-.==,_==-_.-=___.,-,-=___=
,.==..,_-=.-=.----..=_.=.__==-,,===,=-_-_==_
==,=.,_=___,.==..._...==-,_,=..=,==.

EASTERN MICHIGAN FAIL

--- On Tue, 2/15/11, emu.employment@emich.edu <emu.employment@emich.edu> wrote:
> From: emu.employment@emich.edu <emu.employment@emich.edu>
> Subject: Re: Library Assistant III - Eastern Michigan University
> To:
> Date: Tuesday, February 15, 2011, 2:26 PM
> Dear JANE DOE,
>
> Thank you for your interest in posting# CSAA1109 - Library
> Assistant III.
>
> Although you were not selected as an interview candidate,
> we would like to thank you for indicating an interest in the
> position referenced above.
>
> The posting of vacancies is a continuous process. You are
> invited to review future postings by accessing the Eastern
> Michigan University Online Hiring System at http://www.emich.edu/jobs
>
> Again we appreciate your interest and wish you continued
> success in your career pursuits.
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> Employment and Recruitment Staff
> Eastern Michigan University
>

EPIC FAIL

 

--- On Thu, 2/17/11, Heather Slantis <hslantis@consolidatedsafety.com> wrote:

From: X

Subject: Job Canceled
To: JANE DOE

Date: Thursday, February 17, 2011, 4:27 PM

February 17, 2011

Dear JANE DOE 

Thank you for your interest in our Company. 

At this time the position that you have applied for, Librarian has been canceled.  Please visit our website to see if there are other position for which you are qualified.   

Thank you again for your interest in CSS-Dynamac and we wish you success in your search for a suitable career position.

Sincerely,

X. 

University of Michigan FAIL

--- On Thu, 2/24/11, umich.employment@umich.edu <umich.employment@umich.edu> wrote:
> From: umich.employment@umich.edu <umich.employment@umich.edu>
> Subject: U-M Job Opening ID 54956
> To: pattersonva@yahoo.com
> Date: Thursday, February 24, 2011, 12:06 AM
> Dear JANE DOE
>
> Thank you for your application for the Research Museum
> Collection Assistant position in the department of LSA
> Anthropology Museum, job
> opening ID 54956. This position was posted 01/27/2011
> through 02/03/2011. The department has completed
> their activity on this position, and it has been
> filled/closed.
>
> You are encouraged to continue your career search by using
> the University's
> automated employment system at http://www.umjobs.org/. If you have questions
> about this email or your application(s) for positions,
> please call the HR/Payroll
> Service Center at 734/615-2000.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> The University of Michigan
>
> Please do not reply to this automated email. Direct
> responses and inquiries
> to the HR/Payroll Service Center at 734/615-2000.
>

Monster Fail

I hate this e-mails where it seems like it might be something good. For example this one from Monster that said in the subject RE: Resume

Fail on me.  I have been applying daily!!

Fail

--- On Wed, 3/2/11, Bulbs Manager - Old House Gardens <BulbsMgr@oldhousegardens.com> wrote:

From: Bulbs Manager - Old House Gardens <BulbsMgr@oldhousegardens.com>
Subject: re: Flower Bulbs Manager Position Opening
To: jane doe

Date: Wednesday, March 2, 2011, 9:38 AM

Thank you for your interestin working with us here at Old House Gardens.
Unfortunately, after acareful review of the applications we received, we believe our needs will bebetter met by another candidate.
We wish you the best in yourjob search, and we truly appreciate the time, effort, and enthusiasm you putinto your application.
Yours truly,
Renee Hytinen

Old House Gardens
Heirloom Bulbs for Every Garden - Unique, Endangered, Amazing
http://www.oldhousegardens.com/
536 Third St., Ann Arbor, MI 48103-4957, USA
phone (734) 995-1486, fax (734) 995-1687

---

From: Jane Doe Sent: Monday, February 21, 2011 12:52 PM
To: BulbsMgr@oldhousegardens.com
Subject: Flower Bulbs Manager Position Opening

Feburary 21, 2011
Old House Garden
536 Third St.
Ann Arbor, MI 48103

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am applying for your Flower Bulbs Manager. I am the perfect person for this job because of my experience as a sales manager for a mail order company, my botany degree, and my experience with horticulture in a teaching aspect.
I have a degree from Michigan State University in botany. There I worked with field crops, plant pathology, ecology, and taxonomy. I was a sales manager for a large national mail order company that shipped large granite products across the country and occassionally into Canada. I have experience with managing staff, ordering inventory, inventory control, freight logistics, account management, as well as copy writing for advertisments. I have exceptional customer service skills, and an excellent outgoing personality. I currently teach gardening classes part time as an independent contractor for gardening supply companies. I have excellent knowledge of flowers including monocot bulb plants. I have excellent knowledge of plant disease, as well as a great ability to teach other people.
I have attached my resume for your consideration. I believe that I am the person that you are looking to fill this position. Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at the information provided. Thank you in advance for your consideration. I look forward to speaking with you.
Sincerely,

Jane Doe

Detroit, Michigan

What this blog is

After being unemployed for the past 6 months, and filling out probably close to 50 applications, I have decided to make the best out of my rejection, and share it with all of you. I will be posting every rejection e-mail that I get.  Let me do say that I do have a self deprecating sense of humor, and this is actually making some form of entertainment out of my blight.  I hope that some of you may find this as cathartic as I do.

Thanks for visiting!